Catholicism: If shit happens, see a priest.
Calvinist: It is God’s sovereign will as to when and if shit happens.
Methodist: Abstain from tobacco, alcohol and shit.
Episcopalian: Sometimes shit happens, and that’s okay, as long as it’s served with a good wine.
Lutheran: We don’t know when or if shit happens.
Fundamentalism: When shit happens, and it will, ask Jesus into your heart or burn in hell.
Seventh Day Adventism: Shit happens, just not on the Sabbath.
Quakerism: Shit happens silently.
Pentecostalism: Praise God for all this shit!
Arminian: Shit only happens because you let it happen.
Amish: We don’t worry about shit, but if it happens, we forgive it.
Evangelicalism: Ask Jesus to save you from all this shit.
Eastern Orthodoxy: Shit has always happened, we’ve always known about this shit, and though it may or may not happen elsewhere, we know shit happens here.
Unitarian Universalism: Shit’s all good.
Baptist: Shit happens, but you still aren’t allowed to dance.
Non-denominationalism: We’re just as confused about this shit as you are.
Jehovah’s Witnesses: Knock, knock, shit happens.
Mormonism: We alone know about the true shit.